First Day Jitters

Today was Edie's first day at school. 6:15am she woke up bright and early and asked, "Mom, is this really my first day of school?" "Yes," I replied through a sleepy daze. "Well then, why are you still sleeping? Let's get going!"

She was very quick to get dressed and cleaned up. She grabbed her "sling" [backpack that she calls a sling] and got in the car and put her own seatbelt on for the first time in her life. I wanted to take pictures, but she was too excited to get there to have to wait and have mom mess around with pictures.

While waiting in line in the school yard for the 7:55am bell, Edie's best friend got behind us. The two of them were so excited, telling each other all about their backpacks and all the other cool stuff they got for school.

Once we got into the classroom, I choked up a couple of times. I wondered if it was just me or if I was picking up on the intensity of the other 24 parents emotions in the room.

They had the kids sit down and color a picture to get them settled while the teachers talked to the parents about some basic classroom stuff and take roll call.

Like a trooper... Edie decided to go against the grain strait out of the gate. She exclaimed, "I don't feel like coloring!" And she weaved her way through the maze of parents and began playing with the toys. Although I was impressed with her fortitude, I was also a bit distressed thinking this coud be her undoing with the teachers. Being a bit bigger than her, it took me a moment to squeeze through the people and get to where she was happily playing. I empathized with her, agreeing that playing IS more fun than sitting and coloring, however, in school we have only limited options, and right now her only option was to sit down and color or sit down and not color, but either way she needed to be in her seat. Shortly after sitting down again she remembered that Taylor (her best friend) is sitting right behind her, so she turned around to talk to her. When the teacher called out her name for roll call and to determine who was eating hot or cold lunch, with her voice loud and clear she says, "HOT LUNCH!" A father behind me whispers to his wife, "She really belted that out." He sounded impressed.

Meanwhile, all the other kids were sitting peacefully in their seats coloring their pictures... like good little sheep. And softly in shy little voices saying, "hot lunch" "cold lunch" with many requests for repeats from the teacher taking roll.

This morning I was thinking, "This should prove to be an interesting day for her."

So as the day turned out, I helped out in the cafeteria during lunch. They have that system down solid. The spanish teacher helped the kids with milk, the lunch lady gave them the main meal, and I helped them with sides (fruit, cheese, spoons), the assistant director (similar to vice principal in regular public schools) directed them where to sit, and the director (principal) made sure everyone had enough to eat. All in all, the whole lunch from beginning to end took 1 hour and 15 minutes... grades K-8, about 300 students. Crazy!

Edie said she got a kick out of me being there helping out at the school. It made her feel like I was part of it somehow. When I picked her up at 3:15pm, she acted like she had not seen me in a million years. She ran up to me and hugged me for the next 10 minutes, kissing me repeatedly. She said her first day of school was "AWESOME!"

She did admit to causing some trouble during quiet time... imagine that.

She will be hanging out with me at my office for the last hour and a half everyday so she can unwind instead of going to an afterschool program. Today she was so exhausted that she got a bit wired. But by the time we got home, ate dinner, read one book, she could not get into bed fast enough. 7:15pm, she was out cold.

My preference was to be able to homeschool her. I know I would not be the best homeschool teacher for the tougher subjects like reading and writing, although I would kick ass at science and math. I keep telling myself that even though this is not home-schooling, charter schools were formed out of the home-schooling concept, so it is the next best thing... right??? [Unfortunately they have been taken over by the public school system and follow the same curriculum and "No Child Left Behind" thank you baby-boy-bush.] This particular school produces some pretty brilliant children and has the highest academic scoring in Adams County.

I think she had a great day.

Feeling of Impendingness

This whole process is soooo challenging. One moment I feel centered and flowing. And another moment I feel like I have not DONE enough and I must DO something now.

And then everything gets confusing and I no longer know what to DO. So I start planning and getting things in order. But there is no sense of peace, no flow. So then I am confused even more.

So I was venting when this suddenly came to me and changed the direction of my thoughts and feelings...



Every choice we make leads us to the next array of choices.

We have an infinite number of choices in front of us.

We can choose paths of fear (running, hiding, fighting, defense, survival, other mind or thought paths, focusing on THEIR plan, avoiding.) This is "closed" and concerned with the physical.

Or we can choose paths of love (sharing, caring, speaking in love, healing, giving, opening our hearts and homes, listening, embracing.) This is "open" and truth centered.


Everyday I tell my loved ones (including myself) that the Universe provides everything, there is no need to row the boat. And everyday the Universe or my higher self says, "Sue, you don't have any oars, so why are you trying to row the boat?" And I do a quick self check and sure enough I was paddling away. Then I relax and peace flows over me. And sure enough an opportunity to be the conduit that I have been prepared to be opens up right in front of me.

The energy shifts are so great and coming faster and faster. It definitely makes it challenging to stay on task. I find it interesting that my higher self is so calm, yet direct. I am always reassured when I allow myself to hear or sense its presence.

As I say to my daughter, "The choice is yours, choose wisely".

I am calmer now and the feeling of impendingness has passed for now. It will be back... probably stronger next time. And when it comes, I will try my best to remember that I have no oars.

The Eyes Are The Window Of The Soul

On Wednesday evening as I was cooking dinner I heard Edie, my 5 year old daughter, screaming in a fire engine way that only young children seem to be able to do... very loud and high pitched, in a loop. I could tell that she was in pain and that the situation required immediate attention.

I found her in the shed in a fetal position cradling her arm. In an effort to calm her down I stroked her gently as I said, "Baby, mommy is here. Look at mommy... look at me right in the eyes." She glanced at me with very clouded eyes and quickly glanced away. I tried a couple more times to get her to hold my gaze with no success. The pain was too much, her mind needed to escape to anywhere but NOW. I could tell that she had completely withdrawn out of her body and into her head. Turns out, she broke her arm which was the culprit of all the pain.

Throughout the hospital visit I kept checking on her eyes... it took about 24 hours until she could hold my gaze and another 12 until her eyes were bright and shining... and when I saw that I said, "There you are!" And she grinned from ear to ear because she knew exactly what I meant.

Thank you

This song and video is very powerful for me right now.
Thank you.

Woman...

Imagine...

Restoring Emotional Balance

Online Videos by Veoh.com

Quote from the Bible

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like it, namely this, You shall love your neighbour as yourself. There is none other commandment greater than these." ~ Mark 12:30-31 The Holy Bible

What does this mean?
The first commandment is to love GOD with everything that we have been given (heart, soul, mind, strength).
The second is like it: to love our neighbor as ourselves.

So where is the commandment to love ourselves?
It is the first commandment. We are all that IS. We must first remember who we are as individuals. We must first find love, peace, joy, and gratitude within ourselves. We must first find the truth that resides within, and then love (surrender to) it with all we have been given (heart, soul, mind, strength).

Once we fully understand who we are, we must then begin to see others in the same way, as our mirror, as ourselves. We are ONE.

Afterglow

I woke with your scent

still warm on my skin

the delicate taste of your

tongue on my lips

the memory flashed bright

bringing a smile

heightening my sense of life

if only for a moment.

Written in 1989(?) by Sue

From a friend (written to me, not by me)

Konichiwa - my friend
spinning visions of endless
streams of white scooters, trendy
none the less, summers
in provo can be dangerous
every friendships a risk
I shared my life with you
dreams, hopes, fears, our
common cause
goodbye doesn't count with
us. our lives twine in
never ending hellos, boxes
of memories on my dresser
remind me of dances undanced
and songs unsung. life's plan
is often cruel. a song in my
heart waits for you.
where does the wind carry
our footprints?

Written in Sept 1986 by Ken Nishimoto
I have not obtained his permission to post this, however it is was written for me as a gift, and by that I assume permission to use it at my discretion.

Just write!

To write a poem, for me is hard.
I can't quite do a Hallmark card.
It makes me cry
and want to die.
"Just write," you say, "let down your guard."

Written in slight mockery to my creative writing teacher in Feb 1997

Susanne

I am

S-urprised as the words tumble out
U-psetting the original flow of my far too
S-erious thoughts that cause me to feel
A-shamed at my own inadequacies.
N-ervously I fumble with pen in hand searching for
N-irvana and the
E-uphoric sense of accomplishment.

Written in 1997 by Susanne "sue" Mendenhall

ONE

Together we are everything.
Apart - we are lonely
while we struggle to believe
we are happy.

Written in July 1997 by Sue Mendenhall

Perfect Intentions

I was going through some old things and came across a folder that contained about 10 years of my writings.

Since writing is my form of creative self-expression, I thought I might jot some of my past writings down here to hopefully inspire me to write more.

I will start with this one as it is the only one I have ever had published:

Invisibly, the silver strings stretch
across the doorway, carefully
placed to trap the unwary prey.
High in the corner, the unobtrusive
spider patiently waits. Meticulously
planned, the soft yet sticky silk
seduces the oblivious fly into its
sensuous display of perfect intentions.

Written in July 1992 by Sue

Evolution of my thoughts on A New Earth (from threads at Oprah.com)

Mar 19, 2008
I just noticed all the threads about how this book contradicts the bible and Christian teachings.

I am shocked at how threatened some people feel their thoughts (beliefs, ideologies, understandings) are by this book. It is a book, written by a man. Albeit, a really good book, it is still just a book, written by a man. And the comparisons to the bible, what is that about? Is the bible and all of its constituents threatened by a book, written by a man?

This leads me to believe that there must be something to this book. It has struck a chord with EGO, and EGO has come ready to defend itself.

Personally I believe that the Universe is on the verge of a very big shift. What that will look like? I don't know. I can feel it. I see how people are reacting to it every day, some are scared, trying to defend their 2000 year old religion, others are extremely depressed, verging on exiting this life, and others still are becoming more and more aware... AWAKE.

It is a beautiful thing!

Thank you Eckhart for writing this book. Thank you Oprah for bringing it into so much light.


Mar 30, 2008
Life is the Dancer, We are the Dance

In thinking about the meaning of this phrase, I began to wonder: Is consciousness dependant on the combination of the body and I AM? We know that the body requires life for consciousness to exist, how about the other way around? Does life require the body in order for consciousness to exist? And if that is so, how do we know that?


Apr 1, 2008
Re: Life is the Dancer, We are the Dance

I have come to the conclusion that our physical consciousness (awareness of ourselves as a living breathing human that goes about the processes of life, interacting with other living breathing sentient beings) is not the same concept as PRESENCE, AWARENESS, BEING IN THE MOMENT, STAYING IN THE NOW form of consciousness that we experience in glimpses now yet is all that there is outside of our identification with our physical form and attributes.

Consciousness exists independent of our bodies in a form that is unfathomable to our minds... and has no ability to think of "itself" since it is not separate, it is ALL... totality.

This has been a trippy thing to think about. Perhaps I should stop... and just enjoy the moment.


Apr 2, 2008
Roles are just roles, unless they become the identity of the person, then they become unconscious.

Role playing can be fun, like if you play an imaginary game with your kids, you are playing the role of the queen and they are in some other role. You know you are not a queen, you are just playing one... thus you are concious of the role you are playing. For some reason in reality, we tend to take our roles seriously.

I don't know if you have kids or not, but if you do, you might relate to this. When you had your first child, did you immediately feel like MOM? Or did that still seem like a title reserved for your own mother? For me, it took awhile. I knew it was a role. and then one day, that role took over. I identified with it. I became unconscious. I can remember clearly how I saw that role 5 years ago (to the day) when my daughter was born. I felt unworthy to play the role. At this time I wish I would have been able to hold on to that humility. It would have made it less painful to experience it again just recently when the role was removed as my identity and became just a role that I play.


Apr 13, 2008
Yesterday was a mind-blowing A-HA day for me

The past couple of months I have been reading a lot, including, but not limited to ANE. I have been reading for years, just really concentrated reading recently. All the information was like gathering dominoes and setting them up one at a time... and yesterday it all came together and the pattern was ready to be revealed and it was amazing. I had something like 20 epiphanies that occurred over the 15 hours I was awake, all while in an extremely conscious and present mind.

I think the most common theme in the whole day was that fear keeps us from who we really are. Fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of others finding out our dark secrets, fear that we will find out our dark secrets, fear that there are dark secrets to find out, fear of fear, ... all of it nonsense. There is absolutely nothing to fear. Once fear is eliminated, Love is all that is left. And in a state of love all things are possible. In the NOW, there is no fear, only peace... and peace is love.

While in this glorious state of NOW, the Universe made perfect sense to me. I knew this was like a dream that would be swept away unless I somehow contained it, so I wrote it all down. Now I am left with new questions:

Evolve or die, why?
What is the value of human evolution?
If humanity dies off, what comes next?
If humanity dies off, and evolution continues no matter what, then what is the TRUE value of human evolution?
Why must we evolve?
Will we not evolve whether we think we play a role in it or not?
If we each make the conscious choice now to stop evolving, will we truly stop?
Are we truly free to choose to evolve, or is that part of the illusion?
It seems that evolution has occurred unconsciously for billions of years... just on this planet. So what, if anything, is different now?

I am not religious. I do not believe in a diety external to the Universe. I believe the Universe is everything, completely contained and inextricably intertwined. There is nothing separate, it is more than a connection, much more. Not that my religious views matter, but I am looking for opinions to the above questions, I am open to any opinion, although I am not that interested in a heaven/hell or devil theory of any kind.

Apr 22, 2008
What use is this mind?

A question was asked why do we need the mind if the whole point is to be like our pet dog... or something to that effect.

Last week I was pondering this same thing. I wondered if my dog was in the NOW and I was practicing being in the NOW, and the NOW is ultimately where we strive to be, and ego (thinking mind) keeps getting in the way, why was this thinking mind necessary?

Evolution is an unfolding, humans are but one fold (so to speak). The thinking mind evolved to help us further survive, be able to think our way out of challenging situations. Over much time, the mind took over, and we became trapped in it. Even though we now are beginning to see through it, it still serves us.

A dog thinks only from what he has already experienced. If you have trained your dog to fetch the ball, then when you say "ball" he will react. If you have not trained your dog to fetch the ball, then it is meaningless. A dog's brain is not like a human brain.

A human can imagine things they have never experienced before. A human can create things, events, ideas without ever having been exposed to them before. We know this because of how technology progresses, if this were not true we would never have survived as a species, the first humans would have been wiped out before they ever got started. So we needed this brain to further the unfolding... and we still do.

We need our wonderful thinking, creating, imaginative brains to help us create a better world. From where we stand we can see that humanity is on the brink of wiping itself out. We know that there must be a better answer... and there is... and each and everyone of us hold that answer... THAT is why we need this wonderful brain, to use it to its most amazing potential. Not for the ego (little me, separate, alone, misunderstood, fear), that is where we have been stuck, but for us (unified, aware, love).

Apr 23, 2008
The question was about Jill Taylor. If our left-brain (ego) can die, and our consciouness resides in the right brain, then can't it die as well? What happens to our consciousness when we die? The questioner said that Jill Taylor says she is now right-brained. (It seems that she is getting some hearsay and is repeating what she interpreted Oprah to say the other night on the webcast).

The doctor (Jill Bolte Taylor) had a stroke temporarily disabling her left brain. She has use of her whole brain; she now understands and knows how to use it all. A person cannot be completely right brained and be coherent. The left half of our brains is the thinking, logical, linear side. We must have use of it in order to talk, type, understand, and communicate.

I recommend watching her video; it is out there on You Tube and other such sites. In it she tells how she had no use of her body. She couldn't dial a phone or talk to anyone. The reason she can speak of her experience and explain it is because she has use of her left brain. She now knows how to use her whole brain instead of being used by it.

As far as what happens to our consciousness when we die. I think Eckhart has touched on this, ever so lightly. Consciousness is the eternal oneness of all that IS. Our personal awareness of Consciousness is done in our brains. We use the tools that we have as humans. Our brains when used properly allow us to see, feel, know, be aware of the greater connection to all that IS. It is not something we can speak of and still have it remain as truth. It is incomprehensible to us because as amazing as our brains are, they are still limited by this human form. It is something that our right brains experience constantly and our left brain cannot comprehend. This would make is seem like predominately left-brained people would struggle with this more, but that is not true. Our culture (specifically western culture) has trained us to be a tool to our left-brains (even predominately right-brained folks). Our left brains think, reason, control, understand... and we have come to believe that this is the best way... it makes us (humans) greater than all other life forms on earth. It has given us the ability to manipulate our environments, create amazing technology, and given us the impression that we (humans) are the be-all-end-all of the solar system. In the process, we have limited our experience. Becoming aware of all that IS (conscious of being conscious) we expand our capabilities, we understand our connection with all that IS, we begin to act cohesively as the whole of humanity and as a unified whole we improve our conditions and we thrive; this is opposed to seeing ourselves as separate, isolated, alone, misunderstood individuals which has caused us to believe that we must defend ourselves in order to survive.

Eckhart speaks of this work as being essential to the survival of the human species, this is because as long as we see ourselves as separate we will continue to destroy ourselves, as soon as we see ourselves as connected and whole, we will know what action to take to not only survive as a species, but to THRIVE. This is what is meant by Evolve or Die.


Apr 26, 2008
Q: If life is the Dancer and if we don't live our life, life lives us ... does that mean we do not have free will?

Great question. In my opinion, both from contemplative thought as well as meditation is that we have no true free will. Which is why Eckhart said on the web-cast so many weeks ago that if humanity does not survive, it is not the end of the Universe; another way will be found. However, it is in the unfolding for humanity to be a part of this Conscious evolution, and so here we are. Enjoy the ride.

My Gratitude List

I am grateful for the abundance that is the Universe.

I am grateful for eyes that perceive the extravagence of color, shape, movement and form.

I am grateful for ears that perceive the subtle vibrations of all of Life.

I am grateful for a tongue that perceives the deliciousness of all that IS.

I am grateful for a throat that speaks with Love and Joy of the astounding experience that is Life.

I am grateful for a heart that courses Life blood throughout my physical form.

I am grateful for a brain that thinks, creates, reasons, accepts, understands, imagines, computes and dreams.

Everything that I need is provided by the Universe.

In the beginning...

What better way to begin this blog than with a post about my own neurotic behavior (of which I will be eternally grateful).

This has been a wonderful year filled with amazing growth. All of 2004-2007 was about filling my head with as much information on conspiracy theories, government corruption, and new world order as anyone could possibly shove into such a small space.

For Christmas 2007 my sister gave me a History Channel documentary DVD, “Decoding the Past: Doomsday 2012, The End of Days”. Seems to have fit right in with all the rest of my studies, continuing my spiral of fear; and yet it had quite the opposite effect. I found myself riding the Golden Spiral in the opposite direction, toward peace and enlightenment. I am not saying, or implying that I am enlightened, more that I am on the path (I don’t know where on the path, I just feel that I am on it).

In January, I decided it was time to weed out addictions. I started with alcohol, moved on to TV, was temporarily successful with coffee (I think that one needs more time), wheat, red meat, and slothfulness. It is not that I never watch TV or enjoy a burger, it is just that I do so MUCH less often. I really like the idea of moderation and I am really pleased with my successes so far.

During this process I have been reading multiple books on spirituality. I have been doing that for years, but now it is so much more intense. The concepts are alive for me now. I can read a short paragraph and get more out of those few words than I have gotten out of entire books in the past. I think the most powerful book was “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle.

Yeah, I jumped on the Oprah bandwagon, and I don’t regret it. I had started recording her shows in January and watching the ones that were of interest, usually about one each week. She started talking about the book and the webcast she was going to be making available. I figured it couldn’t hurt (actually at the time I thought of myself as pretty spiritually advanced, I assumed that the book would have something I could learn from it, although I doubted it would be much... LOL), so I ordered the book and read it. I loved it!

One thing I have definitely learned about myself is that before reading the book, the image I had of myself was so warped that now all I can do is laugh outloud at how obnoxious I must have seemed to everyone around me. I offer my deepest apologies to anyone and everyone that I ever interacted with. What a boorish, self-righteous, abhorrent SOB I was… might still be, but now I am aware of it which makes it much easier to remove. The webcast is still ongoing, two more classes. I really enjoy listening to and watching Mr. Tolle, he seems so at peace and excited about Life.

In any case, all of this personal change is the inspiration for this blog. Several times a week new concepts become very clear to me and then I call up my sister to tell her all about it. She says she enjoys hearing about it all, and I trust she is being honest with me, it just seems like there may be a different way to share my thoughts. I enjoy writing, but do not do it often. So instead of calling my sister with these new “epiphanies” I decided to write them down and put them in a blog.

I look forward to the day when I can read pages and pages of past writings and see very clearly the direction of my path.